spontaneity ... slowly

the editor frequently gets press passes to shindigs i'm also favored to attend. there was an event the other day at which i volunteered in the set-up, but had to leave for work before he could get there. a friend did join me, so it was simply a sunny spring day, with faux hippies and free wine on the waterfront. drank some soft paso robles juice, enjoyed a stunning city view and did a little schmoozing. saw lots of guys i've known for many years and truly like.

late so-so lunch.

then overlapping calls of work calling me off, and the editor being on-site very close by. tipsiness trumped caution and i dragged my friend back. in-between trade and public hours, so the vast room was nearly empty and all the reps on break before the icky lush-crush. he turned as soon as i entered and was genuinely delighted to see me. i saw the happiness spread across his face as he crossed the room to greet me. i had had the courage to surprise him, and could not tell him what a leap this was for me. he didn't have much time, so we hit the highlights, then jumped in a cab for the airport. we smooched and giggled and he flew back to nyc.

when i got back home, i agonized.

with the g.c. so much on my end was about impulse control. spontaneous displays of affection were sternly discouraged. if he wanted to be touched, he'd tell or show me. he hated being caressed in his sleep. thus sleeping was difficult because i feared even grazing him. i really wanted to, ya know? because of his wife, i was never supposed to call. for the same reason, we couldn't kiss or hold hands the rare times we went anywhere. internally, there was a constant battle of both my desire to show him and be shown affection, while always submitting to his apparent adamancy to not. displays of tenderness became so foreign i usually flinched, expecting something fierce to immediately follow.

yet the sky didn't rain locusts, nor the rivers run red with blood on thursday. the editor got affirmation i like him, and i got a peek at what it's like to not be denied that kind of outlet. (and my friends now have confirmation he's not my imaginary boyfriend, lol.)

i feel emotionally retarded that this was such a big deal for me. at least the editor doesn't need to know.