look to the stars

you have brains in your head. you have feet in your shoes. you can steer yourself any direction you choose.
~~dr. seuss

new shoes not being in the cards, i must need a new map.

another really painful bait and switch today.

high-profile owners, up and coming location, brand new spot. i LOVE openings. a month ago i was *perfect* for the job. "if it were just up to me, i'd hire you today." coming from an owner that sounds promising. wait patiently for gm to return from long vacation. get lots of side affirmation from friendly sources that i'm in like flynn. conversation today going well til i slowly realize we are on opposing sides of a very busy road. that ideal position has morphed into something horrible and opposite. her "nothing carved in stone" thrown away, i'm back to square one. couldn't she have been honest in the first few minutes, rather than make me drag it out of her? most importantly, although she's got no experience, she's "always really wanted to *do* a winelist". so the thing for which the owner wanted me has been given to the fat brat who wants the goose that lays golden eggs.

ok, so, what now? i can't really fault this owner. he's trying to cultivate and keep a valued employee. really that's good. apparently, i got shuffled. so what the fuck am i supposed to do with this skill set? it's not like i'm a savant, only good at *that*. but without *that*, i'm not engaged. it's babysitting lazy monkeys and mollifying spoiled rich folks. am i being unrealistic in wanting more out of my job? if i wanted to work till 3:00 a.m. everyday, i'd bartend for god's sake. cash on the barrel, no cares.

mostly, i make myself forget what a sleazy unethical business this is. that convenient amnesia keeps my passion alive, and allows me to go to work every day. when i'm in the game, it nourishes my masochism, but when i'm outside and i keep stepping in it like dogshit in paris, i get angry.

beginning my sommelier class felt empowering and proactive. i went to quite a few industry events this week and got almost enough positive affirmation, lol. i'm missed, i'm valued, they all seemed honestly shocked that i doubted myself rather than inherently knowing my last bosses were irredeemable dickheads.

so yeah, i need to think what might be possible, even maybe impossible. look up, not down.