doubting the noodle

it's been the elephant in the middle of the room that is my head. pain in other contexts is a desireable stimulus for me, but that from self-examination is certainly easier to avoid than inflict. however socrates ( i always hear the bill and ted pronunciation of that! lol) has been whispering persistently in my ear an awful lot lately, so, alright already!

the ho part? long ago integrated. so many women are conflicted by their inherent sexuality that it baffles me. if my liberated libido is too much for a man, he's not the right guy for me. it's primal, i like it, i want it. easy. i'm no longer willing to have love and a mediocre sex life. eventually i know things will wane as the machines start to slow, but the philosophy needs to be shared, so he doesn't fear or despise the wanton slut on his hands.

the toy part? fine with that as well. i've never needed a love connection to have sex or enjoy the company of a man. if he can keep up his end of the conversation, it's nice to be around the testosterone. i definitely prefer it to estrogen-scented evenings. he's just as much my barrel of monkeys as i am his.

the noodle part? ah. herein lies the doubt. granted the editor is the verbal equivalent of a rocket scientist, so that's shaken me a bit. as i've mentioned i keep up, but rarely best him. i don't like coming in 2nd place with quips and quotes! (waah-waah) but i've been thinking it's more macro than just him and his constantly cartwheeling brain.

i've always identified my *self* with what i *do*. those other personal connections that round out most people's lives either don't exist for me, or are tenuous at best. i'm not a mother. i'm not a wife. i'm not a sibling. my role as granddaughter and daughter is so conditional, so tortured, i act it out as infrequently as possible. (yes, more pain avoidance.) i am a friend, and i like to think a good one. although long-time friends lead much different lives, with exactly the kinds of tethers i don't have. obviously we relate differently than when we all were single and they were yet to have kids. more locally, i do have a few very close friends, and i am grateful for that.

it's long been my job that kept my noodle limber and engaged. delightful that sensuality and learning are both nearly equal parts of what i like and get paid to do. i spend time with incredibly passionate people and it's thrilling. i get to spread my excitement in an honest and true way. my wine fairy wand is getting dusty, and that's why i feel adrift.

my resume gets lots of "wow!", but i've yet to feel "wow" on the inside from anything so far offered. my fingers are in several stew pots, so it's not exactly a barren pantry. i'm just getting restless.

a conversation long ago with a friend who'd recently had a baby after many years of trying has been ringing in my head. she had decided to quit work and become a stay-at-home mom. she warned me not to let my work define my life. well, now that's all i've got.