starting a new job, being the new girl, it's best to keep your trap shut, learn the ropes and the culture before cutting even a tiny bit loose. restaurants are mostly free-wheeling places in which to work and the talk can be filthy more often than not. go ahead, try to shock a restaurant lifer. cannot be done and countless times i have caused jaws to drop with a toss-away that my friends would consider child's play. musicians and jocks can't even hope to compete.
it's also a time to listen and find out with whom you might best mesh.
the gm has been encouraging me to talk to a guy who has a nascent interest in wine and i do frequently overhear him yapping about it in a superficial way. he's taken some classes, and last night i found out he worked under one of the city's best and most respected wine directors. it's a large chain, so they saw each other infrequently. i have known that guy professionally for years and he has helped me in my career. an insane wine brain and good one to know.
co-worker blahblahblahs then mentions a winemaker he has met whom i adore -- as a person and as a brand. i mention that i have been to his estate and spent the day with both uncles who run the alsatian daily ops, while nephew gallivants the globe for marketing. co-worker looked away, did not miss a beat and dropped another name. a burgundy winemaker i have also met who makes very mediocre juice, but wears astonishing suits. instead of saying i know him too, i guess i was kind of waiting to be asked how my visit to alsace was, what did i drink there, or even an, "oh, cool," kind of response. nothing. he then switched gears to moaning about friday crowds and then i had something to do so i scooted. boring.
droning about his brush with two notables just sounded like he was trying to impress while unsure of how he stacks up next to me, but knowingly suspects he doesn't. yet i did nothing to put him on the defense. he's a tiny violin player, always wearing a puss and dragging along with no zip, so i'm no rush to be cozy.
later, when the night was winding down, another guy approached and remarked we rarely talk. one of my first nights, i was trapped listening to his sob story of how sick he is of waiting tables, dreads coming to work and hates everybody he sees. in passing at pos stations or the service bar, all i hear is him bitching about guests and or/managers or sniping at his g/f, who also works there. gaaah. i'm sorry, mr. sour-lemons, please explain why i want to be drawn down into your voracious black hole of "life sucks, woe is me," when i am brand new here? i said something about not seeing him much (which is true) and that when i do he is either grumpy or fighting with his g/f. he laughed and said both of those are true, totally missing the subtext of why i don't feel the need to buddy up to him.
my parents drilled this wee noodle that a conversation was give and take. that it took two, or more, and it wasn't the moment to just yammer about yourself. in fact, that was the most egregious behavior possible in a social setting. even if the person was a stiff, do your best to feign interest before politely breaking away. later i learned that asking people about themselves was one of the easiest ways to protect my own privacy and keep them at a distance. answer the rare question with a question and know that person's life story in minutes while remaining discreet about my own.
the raconteurs in my family taught me how to talk to just about anybody and usually get a few laughs along the way. great skill to have in my profession.
as i am at last finding more comfort in "me" and my place in the world, i find myself less inclined to be sucked dry by those who see only themselves and at the same time feel self-pity. we allow forces and people into our lives, shaping and driving our present and future. as mine gets better, and the positive is tipping the scales so much for the better (emotionally, if not financially, lol) it's enough i say hello and ask about your new puppy. we don't have to go for drinks. ever.
