bullies and helicopters

a little girl in missouri killed herself a few weeks back, after an on-line romance turned sour. a *dreamy* boy she'd never met in meat-life suddenly became a bully. she logged off and hung herself in her closet. turns out the boy was a 47-year old neighbor -- mother of a girl spurned by the now dead one. when the bereaved parents learned this twist they took sledgehammer and axe to a fooseball table they'd been storing for the apparently crazy neighbor lady.

there are so many levels of what the fuck on this i don't know where to go.

bullies have been around since man clanned up. "i'm not your friend anymore" has been a girl's platonic cleaver since shortly after the clan got verbal, i'm guessing.

when did parents become so loony? we all remember the cheerleader's mom -- which to me seemed a peculiarly texan/southern cultural phenom. there would have been no plot over a chess club snub, but don't dare get in the way of becky sue on the homecoming float.

a friend who works as a professor has many tales of frantic parents bullying him about progenies' grades. several mothers of my staff call and drop in on a regular basis. mind you, these girls are in their mid-20s. their moms have also called in late or sick for them.

my friends who stay-at-home complain about the pace of their week, shuttling kids to and fro gymnastics, peewee football, dance, riding, soccer, french lessons, blah blah. a single-income fuels this extracurricular whirlwind, plus the second gas guzzler to get there. these women, smart and quick-witted all, have put aside everything that is themselves. when i got to junior high, my mother was able to stop working. by then it mattered little because i'd been a latchkey kid so long. in first grade, my mother was already at work when it was time for me to get up and out for school. "you have to do this on your own, ok, little noodle?" so i did and always made my bed too, lol.

never has one of my friends said "go play," when we are on the phone or i have been visiting. the kids are right THERE, with their usual barrage of kid stuff. the mom is used to it, but ya know what? i'm trying to visit *you*. there should be a line between grown-up time and kid-time. when did that get erased? i read somewhere that it's a very recent development in western culture that parents play with their children -- on the floor with barbie or battleship. that "seen and not heard" bit didn't just mean at the dinner table. whenever i wailed, "mom, i'm booooored," i usually got, "you have to make your own fun." i had no lack of affluent amenities, ya know? it was also a bigger message for the future.

my dna line is done, but i'm sympathetic to wanting the best for your kids. really. to have them excel and prosper. what i do have serious trouble with is all these folks who now seek personal validation through their small fry. they run to kiss the boo-boo, yet miss the really big cut. how did that missouri mom not see that her daughter was so tragically invested in a boy she'd never met? her kid was on meds, ffs. the boot kick that he was a hoax is nearly besides the point. how did that other mom think her on-line hijinks were acceptable? kids change alliances all the time. how will they learn inter-personal dynamics? tit-for-tat on their behalf? good grief, get a life. your own, i mean.

blackhawk, down.

quotable

love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get — only what you are expecting to give — which is everything. what you will receive in return varies. but it really has no connection with what you give. you give because you love and cannot help giving.

~~katherine hepburn

yup.

:)

all u can eat

i hold an expectation that people are aware of others yet i know that's just silliness. i realize too that my standards of public behavior are not universal. tonight i'm gonna limit this to: eating on the mbta.

it's dirty, smelly and usually crowded. it's infested with rats, bugs and often reeks of homeless guy pee. how is that a place you wanna eat?

if it's rush hour, you will likely have to stand and be smushed. does that seem a good place to bring a snack? is it something pungent? does it need 2 hands or utensils?

i have no problem with cups of coffee or tea. soda in the morning grosses me out, but hey, i guess it's caffeine. i can tolerate bagels, muffins... maybe donuts, but why would anybody ever eat one to break fast? yuk. nuts, pretzels, candybars... i'm all about the unobtrusive.

recently:

girl standing up eating cheez whiz nachos out of a plastic to-go shell. near-by riders trying to avoid getting their hair in her mess.

2 girls with an open pizza box on the seat in front, stuffing their stoned faces.

old lady with a plastic bag holding something fried and droopy that needed a fork and lots of wiping her face with her sleeve. it smelled like stewed old goat.

gaggle of guys with sausage sandwiches.

assorted college kids with burger schwing/mcslop stuff that stunk to bejeesus.

family (tourists) with ice cream cones.

gah.

but this morning i saw a freakish thing. 7:30. she was already seated and eating a bagel with cream cheese. she looked big but whatevah. i was still too sleepy to read, so people-watched. she then licked off each finger of her eating hand and sucked her thumb with the determination of an infant. it was so disturbing i had to look away. and keep looking back. then she unwrapped a huge muffin. which she split and smeared with butter. licked her hand again and sucked her thumb some more. THEN pulled out a croissant, smeared THAT with cream cheese and downed that bit of caloric misery. a croissant with cream cheese? who'da thunk? then more thumb-sucking.

it was all in dunkin-donuts bags, so she had at least 10 bucks worth of processed worthless food in her system before the stock market opened. god only knows what she ate before she got on the t. her oral fixation was so disturbing i can't shake it. she was late 20s and nobody calls her on that thumb-sucking thing? ew.

i was happy about the apple in my bag. i was happy i can think of other things to suck with ardor.

apples and the carts they rode in on

yup. danglers and all.

some more inclined to stargazing might say it's because i'm a libra, but damn i prefer equilibrium. balance. i always hated being in the ferris wheel cart with somebody who just had to make it swing. the applecart may hit ruts, but why force the jostling?

anybody in that genome project splice some dna from restaurant owners yet? find the code for their specific brand of dickhead? my exposure to other types of owners is limited, so maybe it's more universal than i know. the week begins TODAY, and i still don't have my schedule. they all need to wring the bejeebus out of their underlings. consecutive days off are not even considered, weeks are 50 hours, (how did i miss that workplace culture memo and when, btw?) and now he's pencilling us all in for 60. we're on camera and punch a clock. he already knows exactly how much and when.

why does my particular niche, the skill-set for which i've been hired, seem to consistently befuddle? "oh, you've fixed it. ok, all set." there seems no comprehension of any organic process or potential. it's not a granite tombstone. oh, wait, lol, i guess it is.

"i know 2 months ago we agreed to this, but yeah, uh, not now." that piled on with the pointy stick e-mail of this morning just make me want to throw apples at him. then the bushel when it's empty. i get a very happy image of those angry trees in the "wizard of oz".

a pragmatic apple-lover reminded me i have to pick the cart i wish to ride. (mind you, this is a man who will only tolerate one variety of apple.) no, i don't prefer the road that's more difficult and we already had the fight about letting me do the thing for which he hired me. will it be a quarterly battle? cuz i hate that and i hate the petty mentality of it. lemme poke her and keep her off-balance. is that a technique that bears fruit with some? ever? there actually are other ways to prevent complacency.

i hate it.

my particular issues with authority can be put aside for just a second, because i have little problem with chain of command. hell, i know i don't want to be in charge and i don't think i'm smarter than him. he's been very successful for a long time -- despite his admitted craptastic people skills. what's at hand is the "because i said so" nonsense that makes owners get woodies. today it's delicious and tomorrow galas. rotten apples, either way.

i really want to try a new pie.

giving thanks

yeah, i know, it's a day late... i'm not on salary OR deadline here, k?
"thanksgiving" 1623, mather the elder (pater familias for generations of new england's most powerful men) gave special thanks to god for the devastating smallpox plague which had wiped out a mess of wampanoags. he praised god for destroying "chiefly young men and children, the very seeds of increase, thus clearing the forests to make way for a better growth", i.e., the pilgrims.

irresistible aside: one mather, born 16 years later and named *increase*, stated the reason for his first name was "...the never-to-be-forgotten increase, of every sort, wherewith god favoured the country about the time of his nativity." good on the whities to go forth and multiply --increase had 10 kids -- but let's not allow the natives anymore of that, even though we're appropriating their fall ritual and they brought most of the grub. yo, yo, plymouth bay bronx cheer, squanto!

context.

i haven't had turkey at home since college. phooey on the dog and pony show. i always plead work -- most years i do -- and at last it no longer matters. i even volunteer now. hell, i know some folks like their families, and GASP! their families like them!! whatevah. happily, we were closed and my day was in the anti-rockwell style i'm starting to make as my own tradition.

met a dear friend at a swanky hotel bar. have i mentioned how much i love them? the pretty-cute-doorman catches my eye sincerely while bringing me in and saying hello, the soaring atrium, the expensive leather chairs and the crystal flutes, the gorgeous transiency of the guests, what's not to love? joint was formerly a jail and the granite walls, iron bars and much tonnage of beams remain. eleventy bajillion bucks later, the place is drop-dead. friend treated to one of my favorite rose champagnes which was gobs of strawberries and biscuits. sunny walk over the salt and pepper bridge. again, a place i cherish, and even moreso on a brisk fall day. met more friends for a movie, "margot at the wedding". jennifer jason leigh and nicole kidman were fearless. hateful, horrible, crazy. hilarious. not everybody got it quite so much, though, lol.

my heart racing all through, then speeding up even more, cuz it must be nearly ending. it's a 90-minute run-time. what will happen? will anything? i can't just jump up and check my phone. rude! manners, miss. gah. yeah, ok, i checked my voice-mail in the bathroom stall. where my head rocketed right off my neck and i went stoopid happy. and scared. but i didn't throw up. at least i left the john to call back. :)

made the connect. explained to friend-wife (lol, i knew her when she swore she'd never marry. back then, she was older than i am now.) as succinctly as i could: ya know that guy? well, he's back and he's getting divorced and today will be the first time i've seen him in over a year. so it's gonna be quick. she's smart enough not to ask.

entering the lobby, they all wondered if he... he already was. a year's worth of sadness fell off me. his hands took my shoulders so gently and his chin touched my head. it was right. he looked handsome. he looked tired. i love him in that rugby shirt. i could barely look at him for fear i'd crack open.

chit-chat-banter. chance encounter with a nice-not-crazy-chef we all know. it's thanksgiving and her son's b-day. why the hell is she moving furniture and working? lol. good energy all around. pictures taken, jabs and jokes shared. good stuff.

i... do... not... have... the ... slightest... idea... what... to... do!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAAAH. we have to go.

we went.

within minutes, i was home. rituals can be more powerful than we secular moderns like to believe. no words. actions. i haven't felt that right and secure in ages.

women cry when we are sad, AND when we are happy. i try to be mindful to alert about the latter, lol.

much like the pox fall-out, another's loss is my gain. i'm still wrapping my head around that. catholic guilt? really? c'mon. goddammit.

however, i am profoundly thankful. :)

just like...

well, i'm not gonna say "riding a bike" because i have a snarky witness to that episode.

duck to water? better, and less likely to concuss myself.

and it was. no page in miss manners about how to proceed but we both knew where we wanted to be and what we wanted to be doing. i could barely look at him, because i knew i would dissolve into tears. my heart was racing, pounding. could he hear it too? lol. it was the kind of moment where in another life, i'd have burst into song and dance.

it was just like before. natural, passionate, real. no words needed. then i was in his arms, my head on his chest. the place i thought i would never again be. it was the deepest and most simple comfort i have felt in a very long time.

a few times he asked, "do you remember..." i had to say "no," and we realized what different paths we'd traveled in the last year -- him digging; me burying. what he was looking for and what i was hiding hasn't changed anything between us.

there is something rare about finding another who accepts you just as you are. then still wants you anyway. i am happy i never let go. and VERY happy he came back before i went all miss havisham.

take 2.

try to remember

our memories are the only paradise from which we can never be expelled ~~ jean-paul richter

now those memories come back to haunt me
they haunt me like a curse
~~ bruce springsteen

the mind is a dangerous place. when i finally allowed and reorganized involuntary bodily functions like breathing and digesting, i knew i had to do something with the pile of gorgeous memories. my own emotional elgin marbles. i couldn't sort it -- it was too huge and the pointing too secure. i couldn't share it -- an abandoned mistress' heartbreak? HAHA!!! i couldn't give that away to an emotional anorexic.

i couldn't allow myself to still hold any of the goodness. other break-ups i could say, *this* was good, *that* was very not good. how could i codify, qualify, something neither of us wanted to end? something that was always good?

i could not let go. if i released even a bit, it would have ALL blown up.

a.d. 79. mt. vesuvius went kaplooey.

it had been the elite's peaceful bit of beachfront skyline for more than 1000 years. at a very impressionable age i visited the ruins at pompeii and the barely begun dig at herculaneum. on display, in separate cases, were the helpless dog, (canis, sheesh, they all looked the same back then, lol) the man and the lovers. all buried deeper and deeper over the next several hundred years by subsequent eruptions.

we walked. saw the baths, the brothel, the marketplace, the likely town hall. we saw the gorgeous mosaics and sculptures in the courtyards and foyers. it wasn't much of a stretch to imagine padding in sandals through the dusty summer streets nearly 2000 years before to get bread and that era's equivalent of the sunday times.

so some dotty brits showed up with hammers and tossed some pound notes at victor emmanuel? hello, context? that lone man trapped by lava? maybe he was horrid or infirm and his wife abandoned him to the rushing melt? those "lovers"? were they hateful spouses trapped in battle at just the wrong moment? to a wistful victorian it seemed romantic, but could have been a murderous take-down, ya know?

since that doozy vesuvius has blown up massively about 30 times, killing thousands and smothering rebuilt villages. the history and memories got pushed further down by sheer force of nature.

he remembers details i could not allow myself to hold. i had to bury them to rebuild. it's especially painful for me because i enjoyed my mental file so much. it allowed for a seamlessness that i truly prefer. i will err on the side of caution, but he knows i have no engineer. it's just me winging the do-over.

words fail me

hard to believe, i know. :) snappy come-backs and witty parries are second-nature to me and when comfortable i have no problem with forthrightness nor insecurity about the validity and strength of my opinions.

maybe i'm socialized badly in one aspect, because when another is in deep sorrow or grief i grapple with finding the right words. "i'm sorry." such a banal platitude. *i* haven't done anything, and it seems such a trite way to express empathy.

a dear friend recently had to break some very bad news to his family. "good luck"??? ack. seems a more appropriate wish when somebody is pole-vaulting. or playing the lottery. it wasn't bad luck that got him to this place, it was an inevitable consequence. "i hope it isn't terrible." another ack. of course it's terrible. dad's leaving. the family is cracked. this is not to dismiss the fortitude and resilience of children. but those are words a parent never wants to have to say.

one of the ways i express intimacy with a man is sexually. ironic to some readers, i suppose, since i fuck quite satisfactorily with only lust in play. when he is in me, over me, inhabiting me, he has me physically and psychologically. he takes me. he possesses me. it's a silent and primal communication that is marvelous in its eloquence.

some things just must wait to be said.

jesus wept

dagnabbit, it's raining in georgia. once again the lord, your co-pilot, your savior, your what-would-he-do-go-to-guy is the quintessential micro-manager. can't just be environmental pressures and cumuli and winds and such having a fortuitous meet. seeing the wet glowing gubner in the downpour made me laugh so hard i snorted.

********************************************

she was droning. as always. in that kill-a-canary-pitch (yeah, waaaay higher than my drunkest wavery soprano EVER) sing-songy end everything with a question mark way? "so i went to the party and i was early ( i don't need to ask what party. i don't care and she'll just keep talking either way.) and i had some pumpkin ale and it was really good but i only drank half cuz then i had a sour apple martini but then i found my beer and had some more pumpkin ale and then i had another sour apple martini and then somebody gave me some amaretto, wow that's really good, i never had it before, and then i had some, not too much, but some more pumpkin ale... i don't know why i don't feel good today..." really, all that and you don't feel so good? i'm shocked you're not in an insulin coma.

i realized i was clenching my fist, rhythmically banging the podium so i did not reach right down her throat and rip out her voicebox.

i felt like a lynx in a trap. but just my flesh was caught, not bone. i knew i could get away. i just had to propel. !!!! BOING!! i have to make THIS call...

she is one waste of carbon. ack. my snobbery is happily fed knowing she grew up in, and her parents still reside in, a trailer. that she is going bald. that she drinks lots of rockstar and redbull. that her always splayed open (cheap) purse is overflowing with scratch tickets, menthol camels (seriously), breath mints, a rat's-nested hairbrush and some pink-tinted drugstore perfume. that she wears jessica simpson shoes. (who knew? really?) that she thinks *rich* people shop at marshall's. that "anyways" and "irregardless" and "acrosst" are accepted in her vocabulary. that she has never spent more than $30 on A COAT. that i am 100% positive she has never asked me, even in pointless rhetorical fashion, "how are you?" her ailments, her aches, her peculiar and exaggerated lethargy defined by marathon sessions of sleep, where she sleeps through dozens of phone calls... besides tossing off that she is likely clinically depressed, i have met few people who lack dynamism as severely as does she. she is a black hole of energy suck.

when dancing about my new and improved gypsy status for the company, i was met with much dismay from the staff. mucho. i was surprised, really. i don't care if they like me, so it never occurred to me they do, lol. out came the truth of how, yeah, they go drinking with her, but they don't like her for all the usual reasons that befall a narrow, ignorant, petty cunt. she favors the boys; she is two-faced; she regularly throws people under the bus; she's lazy; etc. haha! how do you really feel, kids? it was a torrent.

the thorn in the bubble is that she is a pet of the owner. he had her sister previously and groomed her, and now is doing this one. she is good at a few things (i'm not a total bitch of denigration, k ?) and by virtue of longevity knows the customers and the owner better than most. he's flung some mistruths my way that i know came from her. when under the big huge greyhound bus tire i can't/won't muster much defense. ack.

my experience with women is purposely limited. i never can be sure if these women gravitate to my industry or so many women are just this way. i do know it's why i prefer men.

a prayer

the middle south is in the midst of its worst drought ever. potable drinking water, er... red alert. . ( a bit ironic that a good many of their neighbors were under water just two years ago. how many residents of georgia, tennessee, alabama and around thanked their god they stayed dry after rita and katrina?)

much national news of the regional variety flies right by me, but this trouble i remember from months ago. fractured dessicated earth and farmers wiping tears while realizing the failure of this season nearly before it began. land they'd held for generations approaching utter ruin.

where i'm a goin' with this, is that the water didn't dry up overnight.

so lemme see... you're the governor. nah. dah gubnuh, right, y'all?

aaaah do declare:

"i say, you must only water your lawns three days a week."

the green fucking bane from hell. just like their parched friends in the west. brutal climates where everybody should just quit the fight and xeriscape. nope. jane and joe doe still have the suburban idyll pic of a mowed lawn and boxwoods and blooms. the whole conceit of which began with the purse of a monarch in moderate and relatively stable climate zones. it never scorched and snow was a rare friendly veil at versailles or windsor, ya know? as a matter of course to beat the heat, the locals *need* a pool too.

but americans have a sense of manifest destiny about EVERYTHING. whether it's fast food, gasoline or water. if it's there, i can have it. i should have it. it's mine. i deserve it. i work hard, don't i? gaaah.
doesn't take an environmental cartographer to decode this, now does it?

rain still does not fall, restrictions are tightened a bit, yet folks still turn on the hose. god forbid they let the grass do its own bit of self-preservation and brown out. gasp!! what will jimmy-bob and juney across the street think? apparently not that you're remotely conscious of a dire situation, but that you're being a bastard neighbor with an eyesore front yard.

this from a georgia pol:

"We've learned from this what a blunt weapon the Endangered Species Act has become," said state Rep. John Linder. "We need to understand this lake was created not for mussels but for people."

the *lake* wasn't formed to shelter some lotus-blossom mollusk. the main priority is to generate hydropower at a plant in florida. ahem. maybe if them folk downstream changed the settings on their central a/c units and turned off the lights at the fucking 24/7 super wal-marts... sorry. i was having a night fit...

at last, though, the governor has figured out the solution. he is the leader of the state, after all. he will have a prayer vigil. yup. he will fucking pray for rain. i bet as a boy he laughed and laughed at the legends and folklore of native americans and their fireside rituals. moccasins and mescal. those crazy red heathens -- hoo-aah! however as a good baptist, he knows god will provide. pray, brothas and sistahs, pray.

there is a school of thought about which one may see either side of the coin: "we get the leaders we deserve." the intellectual descendants of jefferson, franklin, hamilton and adams, et al would be parrying and trying to do the *right and good thing*. those of you who know me, know i don't mean just about the water. not so long ago, marshall, clayton and kennan had a grand view. their actions and success made the united states the most respected nation on the globe.

look where we stand fifty years later. the self-termed *greatest generation* golfs and golden-years in well-funded retirement, only to see us scorned by the same countries for whom they sacrificed and fought to save.

"we get the leaders we deserve."

pray, my brotha. pray.

in other words...

along with "needless to say", it gives english professors eyebleeds. ya know, they hate the premise of that preface, cuz just say what you mean in the first place. internal red pencil -- edit, edit, edit.

however, in love, words can be the little pings of bee-bees or the brutal deadly shred of an uzi barrage. they can miss the barn by a mile, or hit the heart dead-on.

with the g.c., i always did my best to be circumspect. it was part of my sense of place and always compounded by our subterfuge. on both sides, i think, much went unsaid to not blow upon the house of cards. he had his natural inclination towards protestant stoicism and i had my throbbing feral panic of being abandoned. there was the secret triad with its shared burden of not wanting to hurt the unwitting third. there was the selfishness of knowing not to rush open the doors. don't rock the boat, baby. don't tip the boat over...

(am i putting words in his head? dunno...prolly... i just have lots of 'em...)

so now what? do i allow a new language? no. no. no. my words, my tone, the effort i take to express myself clearly and respectfully (no flying off the handle) matter. to me. ALOT. there is a grace and kindness in that i will not abdicate.

i know also that he is in the most profoundly painful period of his life. uncertainty, judgements, failed expectations, new dynamics. his own holy huge hell of now what the fuck?

i'm filled with so many questions and an agony over what lies beneath. i cannot shake how selfish that is, but at the same time it fills me to sickness with rigid fear. some things i am terrified to ask, but maybe, just maybe, now it's different? maybe now i can ask, and be allowed to know?

my mom always said, "you don't get if you don't ask." later, i realized you might not always get what you want when you ask. but maybe that was better. even when it hurt. the "no" was better than still wishing for the pony.

i don't know anything anymore. it's like being on an unpiloted probe to saturn -- very cold and very uncertain.


Fly me to the moon
let me sing among those stars
Let me see what spring is like
On jupiter and mars
In other words, hold my hand
in other words, baby kiss me
Fill my heart with song
Let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you
in way too many words... i still love you.

the raw and the cooked

one of the ways i often go about these ramblings is a header strikes me and i go from there.

the g.c. and i were much about the animal. the blood, the tears, the shit, the howls. getting to the base, the core -- flaying it open. it was never safe but it's impossible to explain how life-affirming it was, and how fiercely intimate. ever watch your lover shattered on the floor in agony by your own hand and then crawl to you for more? ever see the look in his eyes while he watches you break but writhe back into his arms? it's astounding.

i remember a period one summer when we always seemed to couple during thunder storms. the heavy august sky seemed so often to crash and crack while he grabbed me by the throat or the arms and took me. the air was savage and electric and we were too. strange to feel so connected to the elements on a fluffy duvet. we'd then lie there spent, and i'd just listen to that shushing rain and his beating heart. it was so simple. it was perfect.

now i am again going raw. it's a gradual ripping open and it's terrifying. it's been all stitched up!! no tidy embroidery and silken thread this, much more like sally in "the nightmare before christmas". tight enough to hold in the stuffing and that's all. he wants to reach in there again. i want it too. but common sense advises caution around those who might maul. even when they do it out of love. or ownership. or entitlement. even the whistling kid with the key to the cage and offering bloody steaks and tangerines steps gingerly around that napping brown bear.

we know all roads lead to lunch. maybe now an occasional off-ramp to dinner. out of self-preservation, i'm thinking the first plate will be something braised. dark and meaty, primal, wholly satisfying, but no blood. :)