phew

what a relief. yesterday progressed, smoothly and pleasantly, and i gradually realized the source of my ambivalence. it had been niggling and growing to the point where i could barely drag myself out of bed yesterday. the lack of sleep during the night and my financial issues had me tossing and turning, but there was something akin to dread brooding inside me. i feared hating it instantly -- an instant replay of my last job -- the place, the people, the food, everything. instead, everyone was nice, i was introduced all day as the company's new wine expert lol, all the plates looked good and my lunch was delicious. however it was the general spirit about the place that was most heartening. upbeat, happy people doing their jobs with just standard minor amounts of waitron bitching.

my last two experiences have both had the morale of supermax prisons. miserable negative staffs that hated coming to work, and truly, deservedly so. why they stayed was out of my purview, but was incredibly soul-sucking. constantly exhausted by trying to buck people up and build spirit, while getting so little back is a thing i cannot do again. it looks like i won't have to here.

when i left yesterday it was sunny and bright outside still. people and dogs in the commons tossing frisbees and enjoying the day. proud grads and parents milling about. for a change, i felt happy too.

the owner has already given me a huge *perception* project and people seem very pleased to have me on board. my training is being fast-tracked, condensed from 4 weeks to 2, to get me up and running in my niche more quickly. yippee.

other than having to schedule a measles vaccination, lol, i feel so much better.

phew indeed.

bright and early

no new lunchbox, no new shoes or jumper. i will splurge on a new notebook.

i don't know what's wrong with me. why don't i feel more excited? because my last job was such a horror? because i'm hired to affect significant change under an owner who is notoriously resistant to it? (hello? original operating systems from 16 years ago? lawdy. ) everybody says he's fair but difficult. as long as he's not psycho, i don't care. he's a businessman, not a chef, so i'm hoping that will make him slightly more sensible.

i am pleased that i seem to have turned a corner regarding undue emotional investment in these positions. i know it's all stuff i can do in my sleep, and by all accounts he leaves his managers alone to do their jobs. perfect. no cokehead breathing down my neck and going berserk on regular benders. if only i could get hired as a fixer. temporary contracts to get everything in order then move on to the next place before i hate it. owners are too loathe to open their books. i've considered it, but my situation is too precarious right now.

at last though i'll be back to a routine and it is actually significantly more responsibility than i've had. so yeah, finally a step up, rather than sideways. 3 stores, not one. 3 very busy stores. the position did not exist prior to me, so i'm hoping to shape it.

it doesn't help that these coming weeks the purse-strings will be cinched even tighter. god only knows when i'll get my first paycheck, and i've got this black hole of debt yawning at my toes. the financial mess will take so long to sort.

i'll boil, and hit the pillow early. i'll wear my positive mask and nice shoes. put my head down and finally have at it. i hope. at least i can stop buying groceries.

one down

the meeting this morning was easy. he knew he wanted me. i knew i had to take it. he only lowballed a little, so maybe i'm at last getting better at that.

traipsing home in the downpour i felt like i'd just completed walking the length of the commonwealth. on one leg. i feel relieved, but weirdly too exhausted to be happy. the connectivity of everyone and everything that holds my future has been crushing me to a husk. one missed stroke and everything went kaplooey. i never learned the physics of bowling. how to knock down just the one pin. or how to knock 'em all down when that's your aim. plus i hate the shoes.first a nap. i can't keep my eyes open. then some phone calls. it will all be fixed, duckpins mostly in a row. perhaps tonight i'll dream of no longer dancing on the edge of the knife.

monday i start again. again.

too many

balls in the air.

my home,

my future,

my career.

i can save the one,

secure the next,

and renew the last.

all soon.

tell me yes.

i miss a shoulder.

a friend used to joke that my romantic life was the equivalent of juggling a bowling ball, an ax and an egg, yet she saw me do it with ease. this is far more dangerous, and not at all easy.

in the light

"all i wanted was to paint sunshine on the sides of houses." so he did. over and over. i've always equated edward hopper with isolation, alienation, the fading away of the old. however, this exhibit was the first time i'd seen so many of his paintings in one place. alas too much focus (imo) on his cape ann and cape cod landscapes and the strange omission of his paris series.

he truly was a genius of light. that particular slant of it early or late in the day. through a window it lit up a woman in shadow who was looking through still another window. in not one painting did her solitude seem peaceful, only sad. she was always still. not at rest, but in longing. even when there were two or more figures in scene, they remained disconnected. the painter's perspective made me feel so invasive--more like a watcher. seeing such moments of pained solitude and unreconciled intimacy made me feel like a shamed guilty voyeur.i know the aloneness of hopper's women. i know their sadness and their pain. i will no longer allow myself to remain motionless within it.

outside the museum was midday sun. no shadows cast. warmth on my face and forward motion. of the day and for me.

may day

through the years, it has been a day to fend off the evils of witchcraft. celebrate saints, virgins and workers. dance round the maypole and bring in the hawthorne. recognize the arrival of spring and its verdant promise of fecundity.

this year it rose sunny and fair. i traveled outside my usual orbit to possibility, to a place where the yards are large and a little wild. i saw a peacock. (while pregnant, dante's mother dreamt her son ate the berries from a laurel and as a grown man was transformed into that brilliant shimmering bird.) the meeting felt easy. different words, same page became the consensus. good. hope prevails, not anxiety. have i finally learned to avoid becoming unnecessarily committed to something not yet within my grasp? we shall see over these next days.

i strolled in the brightness. i took in the magnolias, the cherry blossoms, the forsythia, daffs and tulips, and the cheer those kinds of days bring to this city. fickle weather and lagging seasons bring impatience. but a day like that and all seems right.

i was avoiding coming home.

the memory of last may day still sears. it brought a hurricane of sudden discovery. honesty. hurt. hate. humiliation. loss. the day the roof was ripped off all our safe havens. so much damage remains unrepaired.

night fell. i came home.

a wisp of wind brought papers from the west. channels of which we are unaware, information disseminated in the wrong order. horrible realization i remain unsecured. once again, i do not have a haven.

mayday is a distress signal too. from the french "m'aider", "help me". what could be more plaintive? what could be sadder than sending the call to the unhearing emptiness beyond?