big brass balls

last night in paris, a guy snipped a padlock, broke a window and stole a bunch of very famous paintings out of the museum of modern art. he swiped a picasso, a braque, a matisse, a modigliani and a leger. estimated value between $300 and 600 million euros.

the THREE overnight guards on duty "saw nothing". video shows a single masked man, before the surveillance system was disabled.

the frames were disassembled rather than shattered, so there remains hope the canvases were not damaged.

while i admire the audacity, this kind of theft is so staggeringly selfish it makes me very sad at the same time. a collector, with both more money than croesus and some serious pathologies, no doubt arranged this heist. the paintings will sit in his mansion evermore (am i the only one imagining a secret room behind a revolving faux bookcase kinda set-up?), where no one but the kleptocrat will ever see them again. he cannot even share them with friends, nor boast of his accomplishment.

but the stoopid starts here:

the director of the neighboring modern art museum palais de tokyo, pierre cornette de saint-cyr, called the thief or thieves "fools."

"you cannot do anything with these paintings. all countries in the world are aware, and no collector is stupid enough to buy a painting that, one, he can't show to other collectors, and two, risks sending him to prison," he said on television.

"in general, you find these paintings," he said. "these five paintings are un-sellable, so thieves, sirs, you are imbeciles, now return them."

i realize to a parisian there are no other cities on the planet, but i should like to remind this fellow of the gardner museum theft of 20 years ago. 13 paintings, including a rembrandt, a degas and a vermeer (his "the concert" is thought to be the most valuable missing artwork in the world), plus a few other objets, were hauled off into the night and effectively disappeared. two guys simply bluffed their way into mrs. jack gardner's manse, handcuffed the guards and smashed and sliced their way into anonymous notoriety. no credible leads in two decades, and the frames hang empty on the walls, as if in mourning. despite a $5 million reward offered by the museum and an expired statute of limitations, all those pretty things remain just gone.

the state of things

out the other afternoon, i was meeting a friend in a place that's kind of new, but in a neighborhood sorely in need of exactly what it wants to be. it was towards the end of the workday and a wine rep i knew was in there peddling some summer juice. he works for one of my favorite suppliers and is a good egg. he tasted with the manager (?) and left her bottles to share with the staff, one of which was a barbera.

now, i can only guess this woman is in charge of the small wine list, which is why she was tasting, right? the bartender asked which was her favorite, and she answered the barbera, but she mispronounced it, the accents in all the wrong spots. now, i can only guess her rep had called the wine by its name at least once, right? so she'd heard the word only a few minutes prior. even IF she'd never heard of it prior to that day. um, the 3rd most widely planted varietal in italy, not one of the hundreds of krazee obscure grapes that are commercially not viable yet still trail all over the country.

the bartender held it up to his nose. "is it like barolo?" which to me meant he'd never had a barolo, which is fine, because they can be expensive, he's young and works in a neighborhood joint. to which she replied, "um kinda."

GAAAAAHHHHH. NONONONONONO!!

just for starters, barolo is from the nebbiolo grape, while barbera IS the grape. stylistically, barolos are like giant ultimate fighters, muscular, powerful, overpowering when young but lithe with moves that matter with some age, while barberas are mostly easy-drinking fruit-forward jesters, not built to last.

this chick had no idea what she was talking about, drinking or buying. and she has a job doing it. awesome.

fakin' it

i do not:

• have nail tips, acrylics, stencils, decals or shiny dots, french, or reverse french, manicures on my hands or feet
• wear a toe or thumb ring
• have a pierced lip or nose (so don't need that plastic spacer in the hole when i work that everybody can totally see anyway)
• have hair or eyelash extensions (omg! like they totally last like 2 weeks and only cost like, $50, which is like awesome cuz it's one less thing to do everyday!!)
• go tannin', so i'm not the color of an oompa-loompa
• buy moisturizer that has newborn baby- or horse-by-products as an ingredient
• get my brows or beaver waxed (especially by a russian)
  
• dye my hair la brea tar-pit black
• iron my hair flat with japanese enzymes for $275
• have my girlfriend come over, listen to rhianna and do my hair for fun
• have silicone, botox or collagen in me anywhere
• think lite cool-whip or lean-cuisine pizzas are good diet foods
• own anything by ed hahdee, pink or juicy
• have a white handbag
• mistake knock-off gucci, prada, rolex, coach or movado for the real stuff, which, um, i know a waitress cannot afford and also know your townie thug-friends get you the fakes for cheaps off the truck
• confuse cubic zirconium with diamonds
• have covers for my cellphone that match my fake donny-bourke bag or are studded- rhinestone-glittery
• wear colored contacts on dates
• wear sweat-pants shopping (or anywhere, really)
• own sweat-sets
• own spanxx (two x's cuz they're extra-strong?)
• own uggs or even moreso, fake-uggs
• put clothes on my pets (not even a special celtics sweater during the play-offs)
  
• watch the hills, gossip girl, man vs. food, dr. phil, dr. oz or oprah
• read twilight books or cosmo
• believe that book "the secret"
• see chick flix
• go to strip-clubs on dates, or with a posse of my bff's for lap-dances from the pole-girlz, cuz it's (not) a fuckin' riot
• go to foxwoods, mohegan or vegas for the weekend
• see mariah or beyoncé in concert
• think julia roberts is awesome
• call oddballs "gay", unless they are, cuz weird or strange is something else and the geh's should get to keep their own word
• do oxy, percs, vicodin, valiums or coke for a night out (or in or whatevs)
• have a bebeh with a guy who was unemployed when i got knocked up and remains such, nor do i have another bebeh with his friend
• have any ex-bf's in jail
• have a bookie, astrologer, psychic or shady accountant as part of my personal care squad
• have face-book fights or frenemies
• have fist-fights at the bar with girls from my high school
• think slapping your bf is ok, and is, in fact, the proper course of action, "when he deserves it"
• cheat on my boyfriend (then cry to my bff's that i "done something fuckin awful" and i hope he doesn't find out cuz he'll fuckin' kill me...)

guess i'm not a real girl?