turnstiles and tantalus

already it's that season where i'm in a constant work-whirl of shuttling between long enervating hours there and far too few hours here. frustration mounts when so much added effort begets no hope of increased reward.

in years past, there's been a surfeit of diversions in this season's few moments of down-time. now, i'm in the fight of my life, on too many fronts. it's an exhaustingly broad battlefield; i'm an army of one, with no allies, other than a hired gun specific to one prong of the siege. (additional worry of when THAT bill comes due brings small comfort from his parries.) too often i realize i'm forgetting to breathe. each time i feel close to water to refresh and push still onward, the pool around me drains fast away.

i know there must be resolution. when and how soon... ? will i collapse under defeat or finally exhale with victory? is it hubris to think the things for which i fight are *mine*? will that bring still more dire divine punishment ?

soundtracks bring no solace. the reminders are still too raw, so the speakers stay quiet. but with books and movies, i can easily suspend disbelief for camus or moody; caine, nicholson or mirren. i'll find snippets, not of profundity, but sometimes of perspective. recently, i left a little bookmark here. it was an especially and personally ironic quote, having been bookended earlier that day by clamence's remark that certainty is of no consequence, because so many imbeciles share it. as bess received frequent reassurance of rightness, she grew more confident -- heart of a king, etc., take THAT spanish armada! just 6 months ago, i was held safe and close and promised the choices being made for me were sound. it looked clear and felt true. in life's equivalent of seconds, i was proven a fool of astonishing dimensions.

at the same moment disapprobation in absentia was broadcast a few days back, i was awakened by the *real* sensation of his cheek under my fingertips, and his breath on my neck. still further confirmation my wires are all crossed. i should have been feeling a punch in the face. then again...

there's a frothy confection of 18th-century hoops and cake calling my name today, so i'll go lose myself in the folly of an indulgent bunch who came before me. for a few hours anyway, i'll balance the scale and burden of personal excess in light of others.