outside

one reason i wanted to return to city living was because i felt so isolated up there. for married folks with cars and kids, it was a nice neighborhood. ^^BUT^^ grocery shopping on foot was next to impossible; clothes, shoes and homewares were the far-away province of *the mall* -- i'd rather go naked on a ferris wheel than shop there. forget about a movie on the spur of the moment, and don't get me started on the local video outlet. a simple dinner date with friends involved such summary logistics of travel that it was usually easier just to stay home. but back then, at least one day off would be spent in the company, and in the service of, the g.c., so if there was another uncommitted day, it was in preparation for, or recovery from. the pattern was established, easy and comforting.as things have gotten more tryingly convoluted over these last months, i've found myself ferreted away in ever smaller warrens of this sunny sprawling space. ("all i need is this chair...") in fear of losing it, i haven't been able to face it or revel in it. worse, i haven't been in the world at large. some of the greatest art collections in history are moments away; movies, libraries, theatre, funky shops and food of the world at my fingertips. even simpler, an endearingly lovely city which can be walked for hours -- something cherished always renewed (on my first visit way back when, i sought out the samuel eliot morison statue and love it still...) ; something new always found.

yet i've denied myself everything. why? why am i so afraid of chance encounters or being seen? over the years, i've performed herculean feats of discretion, yet still feel so vulnerable. why is that? i *know* most everybody is self-involved. they don't look up, down or outward. (g'head and stand on a 10th-story ledge for a while; see how long it takes for anybody to notice you...) it's not self-importance. no. no. no. i feel like what i've been a party to is so egregious, so horrible, that i must look the monster. a coach bag and cole-haan loafers are no camouflage for this hideous whore...