proof

the condition of our relationship was that it was unconditional. (of course the subtext being its secrecy, but we both deftly held that disconnect behind our backs.) his own denial of his worth made it impossible to believe that mine really was *that*, even though i knew it with absolute certainty.

one part of our dynamic was random acts of profound cruelty from him. it was to break me and further increase my dependence. he was newly awed every time at both my ability and desire to crawl back, taking succor and final healing only in being his. the specifics of what was done no longer matter, and are not something likely perceived as anything other than shocking abuse. suffice to say, in context, perversely they bound us more than anything tender we ever shared.

now that context no longer exists.

he did something this weekend so inhumane, so merciless, so callous even i was shocked. he publicly repudiated the self that i knew, the one that owned me and had promised me *forever*. thus, in front of thousands of people who'd spent years reading his articulate words of devotion to me -- and mine to him -- he invalidated, denounced and denied everything.

i spent 2 solid days retching and crying. unable to do anything other than crawl from the couch to bathroom. i tried, but could not navigate the flights of stairs to go to the store. (in fact i just got sick now and had to pause writing...)

but now i know what *unconditional* really means. although my eyes still are swollen from the anguished sobbing of each night this week, and my stomach sick with horror, if he came here right now, i'd drop to my knees and welcome him like he'd never left.

there seems to be some twisted need for each of them to publicly humiliate him in a search for closure (?). have i become such a non-entity that the fall-out to me is unconsidered? she may not like it, but the ugly truth is there were 3 of us. yes, my feelings are mine and my responsibility. what gives either of them the right to publicly stomp on them? it has made them both look audaciously shameful. i took great pains these last months to maintain everyone's privacy and dignity. and here they both are shouting in the town square, pinning scarlet "a's" (p's?) on us both.

he's been on and on about karma. i hear it's a bitch.