family

the other night at work i was on the receiving end of what can only be described as pity, from a woman about my age when she asked me if i had any kids. trust me, i have never felt that as a missing piece in my life, but it's confounding to most mothers. my owning of a pet seemed to cheer her somewhat. she could now sleep at night knowing i wasn't rattling around alone, all havisham-style, in an empty apartment, without something else that walks and breathes.

the night before thanksgiving, i met some friends for drinks. they were staggered to learn i hadn't been home for that holiday since i left for college. in fact, freshman year my b/f and i booked a vacation to jamaica because neither of us wanted to go home. my mother went ballistic, and dragged that sin out often to scold me about how rotten i was as a daughter. uh, remind again why i don't want to spend time there, with you, mommy dearest?

course, now, there is no home to go to, but that didn't seem quite right to bring up in that context of a shit-hole bar and holiday cheer, lol.

in my earliest thanksgiving memory i was three and we traveled to my aunt's in westchester for dinner. because my mother passive-aggressively controlled time for everybody in her life, we were late. very late. the weather and driving were foul, and my parents fought the entire drive up because of her perpetual tardiness. when we at last got there, my father thought to make a big joke of it all, but my drunk uncle thought violence a way better solution and chucked him down the stairs. the day only got better. uh-huh. there is a picture from that night. i am wearing a party dress, a football helmet, singing and "playing" the guitar. like a little uso kid entertaining the troops.

even when we hosted holidays, my mother could not be on time and would still be showering or something when everybody started arriving. then she'd feel rushed and peevish when she finally swanned downstairs. after, she'd gripe that everybody ate so quickly and she had cooked for days. there was always some kind of tension between various factions, and i was very glad when i was finally old enough to have a drink with dinner. i never understood why everybody felt so compelled to gather, when so few enjoyed each others' company, and i'd be exhausted afterwards. when the clean-up was finally finished, my mother and stepfather would sit, have a drink and pick apart all who had attended, and those who hadn't for good measure. god, it was petty.

in fairness, my father's family got along more easily, and those dinners could be quite entertaining, but when my father drifted away to his new son and g/f, he cut me out of that picture, and nobody else could be bothered to invite me. i became so little a part of him and his family, that when he finally married b. years ago, nobody even told me. his daughter.

mean-spirited, selfish and dysfunctional. i couldn't find enough positives to place and balance the scale. i wasn't following the mold of marriage and kids which also confused. to this day, i'm quite sure my grandmother thinks i am a lesbian because i am still single and child-free. the b/f's i did bring round were not met with enthusiasm, so i just stopped doing it. they never even met the guy to whom i was engaged. when my stepfather died, my mother told me in no uncertain terms he was not welcome in her home or at the funeral. unmarried, she didn't want us sleeping under her roof. even in separate rooms. even though we shared a home here.

the years of silence got easier as each one passed.

thanksgiving, this year and last, i cooked for the owner, a friend and myself. we saw a movie and then came back here to feast. nobody fought. nobody cried. we enjoyed each other's company and had delicious food and amazing wine.

i still struggle with what i "don't" feel for my family, but perhaps those i care about, and care about me in return, are enough. this is the only time in my life someone has been there whom i cannot bear the thought of losing. that is love. devotion. that is family.

i am very thankful to have found that in my life.