over the years, we'd been out numerous times, for dinners, and post-dinner-near-to-under-the-table episodes with assorted winemakers from down-under. yes, the caricature of randy rowdy guys with hollow legs is most definitely true. one's vineyard is called "chookshed" which means "chicken shack" in local slang, and yeah, next day, i pretty much felt like i'd spent the night on the floor of one.the invitation was casual. he's got a fat expense account and we both happened to be free for a late dinner. selfishly, i looked forward to talking about career options, because he'd taken the exact track i'd like to pursue. he's charming and attractive, and it was amusing to watch the high-strung flutterings of females around him. clearly i wasn't a *date* because he's married, so they felt free to indulge in the flirt. he deflected them deftly and kindly. he fielded a few phone calls from his attorney wife who lives nearly 600 miles away, with a vastly different and buttoned-down lifestyle. neither wants to change jobs, so after 2 years of involvement, and 6 months of marriage, they remain weekend visitors.
a mutual acquaintance happened by and asked if the g.c. was "still in germany". stuck awkwardly with the lie of being so badly cut loose, i replied simply, "yes". there'd already been a goodly amount of wine consumed so it seemed best just to change tack. but i was unmoored a bit, and didn't feel the shift.
as dorks like us do, we talked about wines we owned, yet were looking for an *excuse* to drink. oddly, we both had one the same. a legend. his apartment was around the corner. even tipsy, i still don't feel like other men belong here, so off we went to his tiny studio. he opened the 1996 dominus. really nowhere else to sit but very close to me on his small sofa. he wished he'd known sooner that i was on my own. a strange turn of phrase, i thought. but i could find no resistance. it had been so many months since i'd felt a man's touch, i folded and opened at exactly the same time. my intricate inner ladder of dominoes went down with a whisper. it was an astonishing relief after so many months of holding myself upright and apart.
time plays funny tricks between the sheets, but it seemed like only a few seconds before i was being brutalized. it's a rare man indeed who will take a new woman so roughly, and i'm always surprised by the daring. my control group is far larger than most, and i could count on one hand the few so bold. mustn't the usual response be one of shock, perhaps repugnance, possibly tears? but it goes deep to my core and it drove him further. i asked, "how did you know?"... "i knew." bravado, or am i exposed so easily?
morning was quieter, but filled with jbf'ed scheming. he posited the convenience of both of our mates being so far away, and the possibilities presented by discretion and similar proclivities. passions, both at table and at home, which his wife does not share. if i'd had it with me, i would have brained him with my crystal ball. i assured him this was a one-time thing, and not anything i would blab. i would appreciate the same.
it was reassuring to know i've not been completely killed inside. the soreness in long-neglected places and blooming bruises were throbbing, comforting reaffirmations. none of it extricated me from my emotional cage, but it was a soothing balm on my lonely self for a few hours, and a comfort to know i am human still. the need to be touched remains.
No comments:
Post a Comment