surprise

we were out to lunch in a friendly place, relaxing with cranberry mimosas and recapping her recent vacation. i talked a little about my class, and off-handedly mentioned my anxiety about the german portion. "what about the g.c.? is he ever coming to visit you? do you still talk to him?" all these months she hadn't asked. she knows i'm seeing the editor and must have been curious all this time. although we've been friends for years, she's got that characteristic celtic reserve so does not tread too deeply into the personal waters of others. i reciprocate, and leave aside unanswered questions of my own. it works.

instantly my brain performed a classic feat of its horrible magic. a deluge of memories, images, sadness, longing, possible replies all flooded my mind in a flash. it just gushed out: "he's not in germany. he never was. he's married, with kids; his wife found out and forced him to give me up. he did." it was like i'd just told her i kill litters of puppies for kicks.i'd felt terrible for deceiving her, but it just seemed simpler to tell the same story all around. in case he came back. i explained that was why i'd plunged into the canyon of debt so quickly too. he'd been helping, etc. with the door now open, she probed a bit and i was honest. we wrapped up agreeing last year was the worst of my life, lol.

i do believe she was more shocked by the revelation because i'd been so long, and so happy, in an affair, rather than hurt by my subterfuge.

we ordered another round and talked about dice-k. safer ground for sure.