hits and misses

i am the editor's first masochist. he has played at the ol' slap and tickle and a little faux bondage, but i am a whole new world of hurt. he is constantly amazed at how aroused it makes him. a selfish and joyful relief for me, because i have had others merely go through the motions and that quickly turned hollow on both ends of the belt. at first i feared being still too entwined in the emotional connections of the past. certain positions and endeavors i attached solely to the g.c. and i simply could not / would not go there, but the editor has grown more confident and i am unbundling. it remains impossible to articulate the savagery to which i'd grown not only accustomed, but attached. how can i explain the affirmation i feel from it? i confessed being beaten so thoroughly, on more than one occasion, that i could not stand. it was scary to tell him, and disconcerting watching him trying to process it. yet each time, he does go further. each time i assure him he could have gone further still.

when he finishes hitting me, he needs to hold me. or is it to be held? it is a strange segue for me and i still don't like it. i don't like the pause, i don't like the downshift. it pulls me too quickly out of my headspace of objectification -- a place i've missed and where he's only recently begun sending me. the tenderness is important to him though, so again, i need to stop being so self-centered and appreciate that. can i overcome the supremely effective conditioning of all those years though? do i want to? is it unfair to him if i don't? either the doing or the wanting? he doesn't know, so i can work it out on my own, i suppose.

if i could respond to it as an act of dominance, perhaps it could be more easily done. however he has been very forthright in not wanting to engage in a d/s dynamic. maybe this is more the root of my trouble here. the conditioning from the g.c. was all relevant to his absolute dominance. him. him. him. his. i remain very uncomfortable and very unsure of any bit of *me*. perhaps even a bit moreso since the editor threw the "l" word on the table.

last night he said he could see us together for a very long time. it felt like a slap in the face rather than reassurance. i'm really not right in the head. no. i am right in the head. i'm just stupidly still in love with someone else.