when i grow up...

i wanna be a ... what?

• long ago lost my "change the world" cherry
• lately, the right stuff has definitely been rubbed off astronaut
• i can carry a tune, but britney's meltdown is getting all the press
  
• too old to sleep my way to starlet status
  
• too smart for trophy wife (plus i think you hafta live with the guy then)
• already broken more bones and sustained more concussions than a rodeo clown (ack, that last head ding last month still ain't good n' right)
• retain a shred of dignity, so reality tv is a no-go
• don't like numbers, so forget bookie
  
• not mean enough for metermaid...

the timing of my firing was just right to afford me some, but not too much, time off. the holidays, followed by a mental inventory, then a nasty head bang. i needed it. (well, not that last thing.) i felt so truly conflicted because i'd felt so negative and beaten for so damned long. everyday, i dreaded going to work. knowing i'd see the chef made it that much worse.

was it me? after time to reflect, talking with industry people and some practice interviews (they thought i was for real) i now am sure it was him. them. i hated what he wanted me to do, and hated doing anything for him. the money-fuck and its subsequent poverty didn't help. the suspicion, distrust, paranoia and lack of positive feedback didn't help either. it had nothing to do with me. the nail in that c.v. coffin was when a potential boss last week remarked, "shit, you've worked for the biggest assholes in the city." what the hell is the right answer there? lol.

astonishing that men so successful could be so miserable. i've written previously about the special genetic mutation that makes celebrity chefs. your business rakes in dough, and you are the toast of the town for the thing you've dreamed about since you were a kid, YET you're still a miserable dick...? i know i can never wander down that path again. as much as i admire their genius for food (not so much these last 2, ick ~~ when in doubt add pork or butter... better yet, both!), they are sociopaths. i will never subject myself to that again. however, i am unwilling to surrender the thing i love, the thing at which i excel, and the thing with which i identify most passionately. yet i almost did. i cannot allow myself to get sucked down in a mire of self-doubt ever again.

i will not move backwards or sideways. not financially or jobwise. i am too old to take ANY more reverse steps. now i know better than to accept promises of "better things to come" if, when, maybe. unless offered a written stake, in this business it's code for "haha, fuck you, you'll never see that money". i will not be undersold, lol.

the market is brisk, and i'm getting great responses. it really IS a good time to be looking, and it's nice to know i'm marketable, not damaged. funny feeling of power to have already rejected several offers. i've never felt like i *could* before, except in those cases of the most egregious turn-arounds or offense. weird feeling. self-determination. weirder still that nobody is helping, or mentoring. another bit of hidden strength. :)