cupid's broken arrow

valentine's day.

yes, i'm jaded. roses triple in price and tons of candy gets bought. tiffany's and shreve's put on the screws too. restaurants gouge with overpriced prix-fixe, then overbook because of the deluge of penny-pinching deuces who don't meet a normal check average. too long watching too many couples feeling forced to make a "big night out" of it. too many men awkward in dress-up clothes, across tables from too many women with expectations too high. we'd often run pools betting on tears and/or break-ups.

the romance of it was sucked out even long before college, so this never was a meaningful day for me. later, definitely not one that mattered to the g.c. in regards to me. if conscious on his part, i don't know. i do know there were gifts and cards for the wife, and he's not unromantic. but that certainly wasn't my place. i didn't struggle with it, because it wasn't important to me.

so why is he heavy on my mind today? is it the simmering duck confit that's warming and scenting the loft? is it the mournful howling wind and jagged sleet outside? is it the smart charming funny man racing to see me, the one whom i cannot yet allow *in*?

when will come the day that i finally realize it's been *awhile* since i've thought of him? what's awhile anyway? i have yet to go more than a few hours. letting go, getting over... if i could only just put aside, that might help. i still can't reckon if i don't want to, or truly cannot.