ebullience and emotions

he's effusive. he's thrilled to see me and be with me. not in a suffocating kind of way, but in a charmingly sincere way. i think i'm finally past secretly thinking he's like that with everybody. he's been very honest about women in his past who ranged from very good to terrible fits. including his wife --who went from one to the other over their long marriage. how could they have slept side-by-side all those years and not had sex?

unaccustomed to such open displays it makes me... what? uncomfortable? insecure? cold? racking my brain, i know i've been with few men like that. with as much force as i could muster, i shoved most away. my reflex was a simmering soup of not *liking* him nearly as much, and honestly just feeling squirmy and embarrassed with such uninhibited displays of affection. my family doesn't really hug, ya know? of course too, there was the underlying foundation of not believing i was worth it. that is where some of my hesitation and doubt lies now. clearly, he sees value in me. i've gotten much better at relaxing into his casual easy gestures of fondness. yet i still feel an inner reserve. i know i'm holding back. i also know it's too soon for me to think of any man in terms of longer than a few days from now. his schedule is so packed though that weeks in advance he's carving out possible evenings.

he hasn't pressed too much for details, and i do worry that his perceptions of my former dynamic with the g.c. might be erroneous. i have corrected him on occasion, but i also worry that some things perhaps don't warrant discussion. perhaps just too private, in the past, or not relevant. i've explained i'm still finding my footing, both within myself, and within parameters of equal partnership. he's responded only with tenderness and fairness. he's no dummy and does see my hesitancy. he's also admitted having a tendency to push for something he wants very much and does not want to send me fleeing.

he's judging an essay contest in nyc, so won't return in time for dinner out. he's zipping back on the acela, blizzard be damned, to be with me tonight for valentine's day. it matters to him, and i respect that. he was still itching to take me out, but i finally convinced him we're better off staying in, warm and dry, instead of battling the nor'easter. hey! i got my way!!

i'm proud of myself for holding fast to myself. my heart remains mine and my responsibility. protecting it, letting it heal is a very big job. it will only be fixed when i no longer think of it as needing repair, lol.