more than i can chew right now

i am trying to fix myself. the broken bits. the parts that snap like a steel bear trap when threatened. the pieces that cut my soul and heart like jagged glass and make me cry in the night.

i am looking, searching, trolling. reading. sometimes you need a break. sometimes you visit places that hold warm memories, like-minded folks and a semblance of understanding. and then... nobody was expecting the spanish inquistion! no really, you're looking for fluff and then you get more than you bargained for.

this is a paste/copy/edit i stole from somebody who ain't no dummy, a sadist/dominant, so that i can more easily track the info i need and ponder the ideas (my blog, my rules, and this is all unfinished biz)

from him, in a thread about how common a rape fantasy is for women, although not for me:

Marianne Noble lists three "psychological traits associated with masochism":

• a desire for perfection
• a fear of intimacy as a kind of assault upon the self
• a particularly emphatic sense of individuated selfhood.

The second one -- fear of intimacy -- was a surprise, but then I thought of all the masochistic fantasies ... forceful, penetrating fantasies. I think there are women who want to be intimate but aren't comfortable opening up to intimacy, so they long for a forceful figure, a demon lover or vampire or rapist (or mebbe, my thought... and uh, in real-life, not twilight movie-- or a dominant completely set on autonomy...) who will force her to open up to him.

Someone who has "a particularly emphatic sense of individuated selfhood" is someone who feels independent; she knows who she is, she knows there's no one like her, she feels unique. Sometimes she might feel special, in an enchanted way, and sometimes she feels alone, in a dejected way. Her sense of self is so pronounced that she is always aware of how different she is from others, and she feels isolated.

So she daydreams about dominant figures who will overwhelm her, take her away from herself, make her forget her name, her face, the clawing boundaries of her body, her distances. She wants to encounter a force that will demand she give herself to it, holding nothing back, until she opens and aches and loses herself. Until she loses her self, the self that can be such a burden.