lady business

women's bodies are solid proof that evolution has a sense of the absurd. so much going on, all the time, and it's all inside. might as well be discussing the humors and the true location of the soul, ffs. (of course, at a certain point in history, men thought women did not have souls. maybe there was no room because of all that lady biz?)

men have that one thing which they discover during infancy, from whence it instantly becomes a source of pleasure and joy. hours, years, of amusement. granted, as they age, and that one thing becomes less cooperative, it may offer a certain level of frustration, but most healthy males can eventually goad it into action, even if that means a little blue pill before you ballroom dance your wife around the kitchen or sit in separate tubs in the sunset. still, it's one thing and you always know what it's doing.

i've kvetched before about my body betraying me. age is a culprit, fer sure. we lose muscle mass each year, and that accelerates after 40. resistance training can be a huge help there. hormonal changes mean fat decides to disperse itself differently than in younger years. decades of what i'm now confident was a very unbalanced diet did extreme damage to my insulin aptitudes. i flipped over my personal food pyramid, weight came off and i have never felt better. after 3 dry weeks, i went off the wagon and my weight loss stalled, but the number remained in a happy zone, and the same for several days.

so, noodle, all these answers, what's the mystery?

last week, i decided to start adding some foods. slowly. not trusting myself around a bounty of berries, i bought pistachios. in-the-shell, so i'd be less likely to hoover them out of the bag. i ate a few ounces. the next day, i weighed 3 pounds more. grrr. impossible to gain 3 pounds of fat overnight, so ok, must be the salt. gallons of water, a good sweat at the gym. next day -- same. 5 days later, the scale has bounced a few ounces either way, but has not descended past that whole and higher number and i want to SCREAM.

the nut explosion was wednesday morning.

friday i started to feel that weird feeling.

by saturday, it was full-blown, with all my lady bits, inside and the ones oh-so visible to men, all swollen, sore and heavy. my abdomen all crampy, bloated and grumpy. wtf? i am on the pill so pms is not really an issue, and this is not *that* time of the month. what is going on in there? why isn't there some kind of diagnostic/prognosticating periscope that i can snake down? with a timeline to let me know, "oh, you will feel absolutely fine in 3 more days and have lost 5 pounds. all is well."

in the meantime i want to stick a whalebone needle in my gut and let out all the ick. the nuts went immediately in the trash. i have eaten nothing new or weird.

i am so pissed.

men wonder why womynz hate their bodies.