in other words...

along with "needless to say", it gives english professors eyebleeds. ya know, they hate the premise of that preface, cuz just say what you mean in the first place. internal red pencil -- edit, edit, edit.

however, in love, words can be the little pings of bee-bees or the brutal deadly shred of an uzi barrage. they can miss the barn by a mile, or hit the heart dead-on.

with the g.c., i always did my best to be circumspect. it was part of my sense of place and always compounded by our subterfuge. on both sides, i think, much went unsaid to not blow upon the house of cards. he had his natural inclination towards protestant stoicism and i had my throbbing feral panic of being abandoned. there was the secret triad with its shared burden of not wanting to hurt the unwitting third. there was the selfishness of knowing not to rush open the doors. don't rock the boat, baby. don't tip the boat over...

(am i putting words in his head? dunno...prolly... i just have lots of 'em...)

so now what? do i allow a new language? no. no. no. my words, my tone, the effort i take to express myself clearly and respectfully (no flying off the handle) matter. to me. ALOT. there is a grace and kindness in that i will not abdicate.

i know also that he is in the most profoundly painful period of his life. uncertainty, judgements, failed expectations, new dynamics. his own holy huge hell of now what the fuck?

i'm filled with so many questions and an agony over what lies beneath. i cannot shake how selfish that is, but at the same time it fills me to sickness with rigid fear. some things i am terrified to ask, but maybe, just maybe, now it's different? maybe now i can ask, and be allowed to know?

my mom always said, "you don't get if you don't ask." later, i realized you might not always get what you want when you ask. but maybe that was better. even when it hurt. the "no" was better than still wishing for the pony.

i don't know anything anymore. it's like being on an unpiloted probe to saturn -- very cold and very uncertain.


Fly me to the moon
let me sing among those stars
Let me see what spring is like
On jupiter and mars
In other words, hold my hand
in other words, baby kiss me
Fill my heart with song
Let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you
in way too many words... i still love you.