the starting line

i had to start somewhere, right?

there aren't enough hours in the day to wend through all the notes, so clearly those who got in the gate early have an edge. coherence increases their odds. as does humor. unlike when i was younger i don't feel the need nor the desire to overcrowd the field and have a different date for each night of the week. (although it would be easily possible... maybe after the holidays, lol.) i've winnowed it to two. i'll meet them both this upcoming week. it's sweet and it's exciting. the calls, the notes, the new. that girlish flutter i haven't felt in so long.

seemed prudent to have a practice run. a man with whom i could flirt and fuck and not be committed further. but the truth was i needed something a bit more. that 16-year-old girl in my head was worrying, "will he like me?" i needed affirmation that i am attractive. that after all this time, other men might/could/do/will want me. not one for half measures, i took the deep plunge. it needed not to be overthought. it needed to be the modern equivalent of spotting a man across a crowded club and deciding he was mr. right now. he'd written several times. he travels here for business, so stays in a hotel. the picture of his chiseled abs was the clincher.

first i went to a hilarious performance with a good and very funny friend, thus was in great spirits. the "date" had a presentation for work anyway, so it was fine that neither of us was available till 10ish. in the cab over to our meeting place, i was grinning uncontrollably. there was a bit of worry, because i'd not seen his face, just the 6-pack. a speck of doubt, blown easily away.

clever fellow, and clearly not on his first hook-up, he'd hidden himself out of the way to spy me. but he walked right over, visibly pleased and smiling, and gave me a friendly kiss on the cheek. i can only imagine the relief on my face must have been obvious too. not my usual type being very fair, but undeniably and ruggedly handsome, with the astonishingly defined outline of his athletic body visible even under his loose-fitting turtleneck.

it turned out to be easy! he's funny and smart and i now know someone who knows yanni. more valuably, someone who appreciates the camp factor of knowing yanni.

conversation was brisk and amusing, with enough touching of arms and knees to know all was well. when at last i asked, "what time is it?" he deftly replied, "time to go."

it wasn't at all awkward or clumsy or strange. after so many years of being trained and used in a particular way, i definitely worried that my wiring had been irrevocably altered, that i was damaged or broken. my doubts have been allayed. i'm fine. he seemed to think so too. being with him again would be delicious, and both his morning demeanor and subsequent notes have said the same. having heard plenty of horror stories about these sorts of things, i can't believe my luck.

monday is dinner with the editor.

without jinxing myself, i'm almost beginning to believe the tides may have shifted and good things are coming my way.

fingers crossed, folks.