don't uncage my heart

the editor is enthralled and mr. minnesota is practically mouthbreathing anticipating our next encounter. i'd decided for these next weeks just to cultivate these two, having successfully avoided the long-shot, albeit permanently local, guy. then it hit me. both guys are charming, witty, intelligent and sexually charged, (and both unbelievably receptive to my masochism -- yessss!!) but neither of them can demand much of my time, being here only part-time. i've no desire to churn through a million dates. besides, having done so well with my first forays, oddsmakers would agree i'm way overdue for a chump. so, for now, rather than clutter my calendar, i'll spend the holidays with friends, get projects done here, and begin my job search with the new year.

my heart definitely is not healed, so needs to remain safe. that's my responsibility and it's a big one. although initially i didn't see it, there can be no mistake my subconscious had a protectionist agenda. if either of them were more available, i might not mind, then again, who knows? i could run screaming into the night at the possibility of the big "r".

i'm still very conscious of avoiding being submissive, which is more of a struggle than i anticipated. far harder than the sexual readjustment -- although if i'd allowed myself much introspection, i'd likely have known that. i turn cartwheels to not be overly-accomodating. when the editor invited me to his apartment to dinner for tonight, i had to practically gag myself to avoid offering my services as cook. he's offering to do it, so clearly wants to... (but he's working all day, has a meeting afterwards, it'd be so nice if i...) so fucking let him do something for me. good lord, it shouldn't be that hard. yet still it is. i'll bring a nice bottle of wine, which is what a dinner guest does, lol. right? lol.

my mother would be pleased to know both men seem more smitten on their end. i'm just happy to have some company now and again. i didn't realize quite how deeply i'd missed being in the arms of a man. especially a man who is thrilled, not threatened, by my unbridled sexuality. i wonder if it's a pleasant factor of their age? i did deliberately skew older. could just be dumb luck. either way, i'll take it. sex while in like is quite fine for now.