speedy relief

when mired mentally, emotionally and spiritually one forgets so much of what life was like before.

for months, the burden of my sadness and stress, my absolute unmooring from anything sure, dogged me. it compromised and compressed me. there were days i felt physically constricted and had trouble getting enough oxygen. it took a conscious effort to sort of untwist, upwardly wind and breathe deeply. i wavered through each day, a hollow-eyed ghost dragging both a past and present of immeasurable weight. getting out of bed seemed a herculean effort, and often the most conflicted moment of my day. i felt little. not numb -- that implies a certain low-level buzzing. but empty. a papery husk easily blown apart or away, unlike my more perceived nature as a walking bundle of the sunday funnies. more than once, i had zero recollections of incidents and conversations in which i'd been supposedly involved. it was peculiar, (and no doubt very alarming to others) but i felt too detached to worry about it as much as i probably should have. in hindsight i may have been licking the edges of a fugue state.

beginning in the days right before sending the albatross out to the winds, i couldn't/wouldn't/didn't sleep. that i chalked up to simply wanting to avoid oversleeping and missing early obligations that required adherence to an unfriendly train schedule. after the final paper was signed and i was free, i felt inexplicably bound by gravity -- feet on the ground, yes, but more like i was sailing in the air, light, light, lighter than the finest kite.

down to bed at "normal people" hours, yet more or less i was simply impatient between the sheets, waiting to get up at "normal person" time. perfectly alert at 2:00 or 4:00 a.m., i'd still rest a bit more before rising.

thankfully, my energy level has down-shifted to less manic, but i'm still amazed at how little sleep i seem to need. without the one-two sledgehammer whack of too much after-work wine and the previous unbearable heaviness of my being, i'm a little dynamo, lol.

all those little things i didn't/couldn't do, or even see, are all getting resolved, one at a time.

my mind and my spirit feel so keen and clean. i know it's time, and i'm truly thankful i am at last able to put so much to right.