them or me

today i ran into a former co-worker. it's one of the pleasures, and perils, lol, of living in a mayberry rfd that masquerades as a big city. we both had a weird bit of sunday time to fill so went for a drink.

he's a guy i've always liked. funny, attractive, well-traveled, well-read, intelligent in a very linear way (as opposed to my zig-zaggy cat's brain), and into extreme sports. bikes, boards, lots of concussions and flesh wounds. he's recently married to a lovely woman who shares many of his same passions, but leaves the off-road stuff to the guys.

no kids and just hitched at 40, he's a bit behind his friends' curve, and having a harder and harder time getting guys unleashed for a day on the trail. his fave partner is in a bit of a wicket. even though he was into all this muddy guy bonding stuff before they met, somehow now his wife sees it as a threat.

why on earth would he want to do something that doesn't involve her?

long-delayed lightning struck, and i remembered how my mother systematically withered my stepdad. she convinced him the flying lessons were too dangerous. (he'd gotten soooooo much cred from me for the helicopter airtime!!!) she hated the guys with whom he golfed, couldn't grasp the networking potential, and so pried him away from that too. eventually, except for the million hours he spent building his thriving business, he was always at home. her hobby was shopping; she occasionally dragged him along since he was paying, but preferred me as a shoe-collecting accomplice. (i never ever asked how much anything cost... a difficult life lesson later on, lol)

i've never understood the standard female equation of negation: you must cease caring about your softball/hockey/golf/flying/soccer because i should be enough. if he liked that stuff before, how on earth does it negate you? how does occasional independence infer disregard? shouldn't it be the opposite? that you trust and cherish your s/o enough to give them personal latitude?

where on earth did my brain come from?