underneath

during today's snowstorm, i again saw that poor put-upon english sheepdog in his slicker and boots. as a kid i had a giant mutt of a sheepdog, who would howl to be let out in blizzards. she'd lie out there and be covered by inches of the stuff before my mom would finally freak, drag her inside and plop her in front of the woodstove, where she'd crash like a damp stone for hours, lol. the dog knew, and we found out, that she had a unique 2-layer coat that kept her 1st dry, then warm. either my neighbor doesn't know this, has never had a dog before or thinks they *need* clothes. or maybe all 3. regardless, the poor thing looks like a cartoon.as the snow quietly blanketed my park, i took a brief call about a potential job. not one in which i've invested much more than a fleeting, "maybe i'll make more money doing x." well, the money ain't much and the title doesn't seem approprie. nonetheless, i agreed to meet the director of operations next week. can never have too much practice interviewing, right?

so why was i laggardly and late to work? why did i feel despondent and on the verge of tears? greeted hale and hearty when i arrived, everybody was glad to see me, but i hid in the office awhile to collect myself. it's no secret to you guys i hate my job, but when i'd barely touched the handle on the door of potential change, yet spun so badly down, i realized the depths, and the power of sublimation.

it's interesting, because in many respects it's not *so* bad as far as these sorts of jobs go. but in the last week, i had a few too many conversations with people far more senior/veteran than i, including 2 gm's and 2 executive chefs, all of whom hate their jobs. they freely admitted staying because so little is required of them. combine lassitude and apathy from those in charge; stir it in a cauldron of distrust and belittlement from on high and it all makes for a sour stew with which to feed your staff.

recently the owner reprimanded me that my attitude of late "sucks." i have worked in lots of restaurants. LOTS, lol. never before have i faced such a wall of indifference and blindness to mediocrity. so yeah, i'm sorry, but it's demoralizing to be the only cheerleader. shocking to be met with a blank stare and disdain from a 20-year-career server about why it's wrong to clear a table by sticking your fingers in all the used glasses.

the owner wants to change the markers with which i self-identify, but he's yet to make clear those i'm allowed. my career has always been a post, so with its current state of dessication i feel adrift.

in my head, i know my emotional response to today's call was out of balance. however, it does make me wonder what's under the layer that's keeping me dry. because i am rarely warm.