pfffftt

this year i am not crying.

pfft.

i could.

i won't.

it's an indulgence. i can no longer afford them.

when we're young, crying brings comfort -- coos, flutters, arms, food, fluids, flutters ... light... dark... music... quiet. someone who cares comes to help. to make you feel better. to stop the crying. to console. to let you know you're safe in the world.

the complex proteins contained in tears are stress-related. granted, we don't all have the same breaking point, yet the chemistry is constant. what changes is the unquantifiable: how do you feel after? better? worse? the same? does your cat or dog get afraid or lick your hands that are salty with tears? do your kids cower because mommy is crying, or come running with hugs? i could count on one hand how many times i have seen men cry. i think that gives me a skewed view. or does it? dunno.

nothing feels certain or right. i hate that. yet everyday, i do what i should. why the hell? really?

it's a stunning moon tonight. low and so full. like a cartoon, really, cuz it seems so close. like i can see the cheese.

my non-sequiturs and i must go to bed.