it's just ... nothing

it's the heat.

it's the humidity.

it's my period.

it's another job that brings little fulfillment.

it's another owner (cheapest yet!) who just tells his employees (us; me) they (we) suck. sure, in other words. feh.

it's being transient and having to carry all my files and notes and books everywhere i go because i don't even have a "place". or a goddamn laptop.

it's never having sufficient access to the one damn pc in this store's miniscule office to get any work done.

it's the ordering on my day off that should take 45 minutes, but drowns me in e-mails and phone calls for 3-4 hours.

it's being a filler (feeling like a scab) while construction continues and then made to feel like i'm being wedged in as a favor.

it's being blamed for shit that gm has let go down-hill since before my arrival. does he want me stepping on his toes?

it's having a desperate need for amusing or challenging or topical conversation during work. now i fucking dream about witty banter because i so rarely engage in it anymore.

it's wanting to go to nyc or paris or somewhere. someplace that's not on the "t", not here, for just a few days.

it's being so terrifyingly broke and feeling like it will never end. hmmm... new toothbrush? ummmmm... nah, maybe next week...

it's having nobody in whom to confide just everything. or anything.

it's wanting what and whom i can't have.

it's knowing she's still watching and stalking me electronically. it's knowing every time i think it to be so, i have proof it is. can i sell a used tinfoil hat on e-bay?

i just feel down and sad and empty and bad.

i know i passed my exam, but since i left the classroom, i've felt weirdly empty. i was edgy and anxious before and during it. but, then, *poof*. nada.

the fog burned off yesterday and it was entirely lovely; still, i hermitted. never changed. didn't eat til dark. no phone calls, minimal e-mails. i didn't want wine or a boiling bath. couldn't watch tv or read.

today i begin an unusual week of all closes, so perhaps my flip-flopped schedule will take my mind off the searing nothing that's in there.

maybe it wasn't the best time to end things with the editor but it all just felt so disingenuous i couldn't stand it, or myself, or him, anymore.

ack. what is it? or what isn't it?