curtains

in the wizard of oz, much goes on about paying "no attention to the man behind the curtain." if that damn wizard wasn't irish, i'll eat my grandfather's shilaleagh.

"lace curtain irish" was a long-ago slam to those putting on *airs*. the first yuppies. your windows might look pretty to the street, but inside your house must still be a boozy caterwalling free-for-all, cuz god knows.

my first confessions involved curtains, not doors. the openings cloaked by heavy velvet red drapes -- obvious much?

i was a young young noodle (yes, that young) when i became aware of the curtains my family kept drawn. not asking others meant you didn't open up for others to ask you. don't say this, don't say that; i'm sure i recall only a small amount and yet it seems like a giant lead apron. i do remember heavy prepping before parties at the shore. my mom was never there. my grandmother's boyfriend's family... there was a woman whose name was "nanette", so when i screwed up and said, "nanny", i got a pass. it was many years till i wondered if that's why i was told to call her that.

well into my life as an adult, i know i don't *share* well. i guess i feel like i have too much to hide! frequently i am amazed by what others tell me. (sir bob might be a whole other post...) often i think they feel safe sharing because i don't. think about it. much like chaunce, i admit, i do "like to watch."

today i answered emails that had lingered too long, from women who have known me most of my life. friends. right? for over a year, i've been unsure of the best (?) way to explain the not-so-new dynamic of the owner and me. he's divorced now, i'm in the clear, right? ahem. no matter how i feel, their lives make me wonder what they truly think. i'm happy, he's happy, but on somebody's back? ack. they tried an intervention over the black eye, so we'll just see here.

and then? i had to tell them about peg. it was profoundly hard (then & now) to type " she's never coming out." they knew her as the sharp redhead with the jaguar, who let them skirt the truth if they got to our house on time. used to keeping secrets, i guess she felt as long as they were inside by curfew, all was cool. even when their moms called, peg never ratted out my friends. she did clue them in and make it VERY clear she would not lie on their behalf again. it worked. everybody wanted to stay at our house, lol.

recently they've all sent me family snaps. it's the holidays. i realized it's been ages since i've had a pic snapped. like -- years. for so long, i hid, and i still feel unsure about that. ( sidebar?) if there is no pic with my face, i don't exist. right? with the owner, it still feels safer to be hidden.