out on a limb

we'd exchanged witty banter both via e-mail and phone. his body was of heavenly doom. he looked boyishly handsome, was clearly quite smart and quickly funny. he seemed genuinely excited to meet me. what was stopping me?

it was all i could do to dress and drag myself there. kept repeating in my head, "but i don't feel like it." waah-waah-waah. it had been a dispiriting day with a disappointing job interview, and similar bad news for a friend whose sure-fire promotion seems to have gone pfft. we were having some wine, i was home, comfy in sweats, outside was bitterly cold, and i just didn't feel like i had much fake nice in me. sometimes just dredging up a little bit of faux frivolity can help me switch gears, and i knew that. whenever i felt cranky or grumpy on a day i was to see the g.c. i'd shove it away, because the last thing i wanted was to waste moments with him grousing or moping. shouldn't i give myself that same turn of respect? last year i had more than enough sad nights (and days) home alone. so i bucked up, put on a fail-proof outfit and lipstick, and braved the night.

i click-clacked in and he of course was already there, a veritable granite mountain of man. he sheepishly confessed having come to town early, because he was too excited and restless at home. he kept peeking down my blouse and had an easy smile and a very cute twinkle in his eye. within minutes i was glad i'd come. weird moment of another's alcohol-induced inappropriateness when a rather inebriated and unattractive woman seemed to be hitting on him. he thought it hilarious that all i could do was laugh. and also funny that i offered him to deck her to put an end to it, lol.

he was a slower mover than i, and certainly than the last few men with whom i've been. with them, the eventual fucking had been a given. he seemed sincerely caught off guard and kept saying he didn't "expect this". suddenly i was a teenage girl again, worried that i was being fast, and maybe i was blowing it with him. that conflict of, "sure, he'll fuck me but then decide i'm too loose to date." my brain decided just as swiftly that if he is that conservative, he's not right for me anyway.

he's a decent down-to-earth guy. recently divorced out of a 15-year but at last dead marriage. he shares custody of their kids. he switched to a much less lucrative career to be with them, instead of always on the road. he lives less than 20 minutes away. he's grounded and doesn't talk smack about his ex. his physical attributes aside, i could continue a very long list of why other women would kill to date him. other women. women with normal emotional wiring. so i can't help but wonder if that was the true cause of yesterday's foot-dragging. a good guy. yeah. me. with a good guy. can i do it? historically, i've always been the frightened angry villager, chasing them off with flaming sticks and pitchforks.

i've not been blogging much, because i'm still afraid to poke too deeply. but i'm beginning to think that my 4-year exercise in being proven worthless may be the catalyst for a very serious lesson in personal value.