mirror, mirror

as a very young kid, older cousins once took me to a small-town carnival. one of the old-timey attractions was the house of mirrors. my cousins were getting small, big, fat, taut, laughing and having a blast, while i was getting more and more freaked out. physically, i was tiny and obviously too young to understand refraction. no matter what, i couldn't see myself. i tried and tried, went to different panes, then started to panic. hell, i was only 4 years old. finally one of the cousins saw me crying and dragged me outside. bummer for him, i'm sure.

at first, mirrors were small and precious, available only to the most privileged of the wealthy and powerful. pointy-hatted sorcerers soon got left behind, technology raced forward and we got telescopes, the printing press, space travel and lightning-fast communications.

monkeys, macaques and chimpanzees all have recorded lower heart-rates upon seeing their reflections. does this imply same-species- or specific-self-awareness? jury is still out. if they are fornicating in front of a mirror, but somehow drift out of view, dolphins will stop and swim back into visual frame before continuing. their view of *themselves* both calms and arouses.

we in the 21st century presume a certain truth in our looking-glass, don't we? the image staring back, is what the rest of the world sees too, right? sure, some women will argue the mirrors at nieman's are more flattering than those at sak's, but all-in-all, all-around reasonable representation.

for years my worth was measured, my image and identity determined through the lens of another. inherently, *i* was of no value, except in relation to him. it was liberating, it was thrilling and it was serene. it pleased us both.

but now he's rightfully taken himself, his mirror and his measuring stick back home, where they all belong. to help refashion and rebuild one who saw a very different image. through his astonishing strength and personal alchemy she will once again be made whole and perceive her inherent goodly worth.

mostly now, i can't bare to look. i don't know who *she* is gazing back. conversely, i can't figure out who *she* is i'm considering. i don't want others to see, because it's too profoundly threatening. will they know what or whom that is, i am, even before i do?

when her minion of a mirror at last replied snow white was the fairest in the land, the evil queen had her rival banished to the forest for a vernal but grisly death. (not in the sanitized disney version, but the brothers grimm demanded a bloody heart as proof of the deed...) yet the queen never realized he made the judgement because he could see inside them both. when and what will i finally see?