gluten and gluttons

food allergies can be deadly -- shellfish, mushrooms, nuts, peanuts, stone fruits are all delicious, but lethal for some, and dining out can be tricky. they ask careful questions, avoid many ethnic restaurants where either translations or food combinations can be dubious and carry epi-pens. if allergic to shrimp, they don't ask if they can have the seafood chowder without it, ya know? there was a notorious incident at a bertucci's a few years back where a server assured the patron the pesto had no nuts. the woman died and the company was sued for millions. by then pesto was no new food phenom, so how could the woman not know? how could the server be so blase and not check with the kitchen if unsure? chefs, line-cooks and servers all know this is serious stuff. the grill, the tongs, the cutting surface, even the fry-o-later can be carriers of doom. a severe allergy stops all the kitchen wheels. an anaphylactic guest is a real bummer.

did you know less than 2% of the american adult population has actual food allergies and that less than 5% of children do? from the peanut butter-free zones in schools, you'd guess it's more rampant than the plague in 16th-century venice, right? it just ain't so, and most of those kids will outgrow them. i was wildly allergic to wool as a baby, but by the time i was 4 or 5 there was a safe soft pile of tartan and mohair in my life. mothers now are terrified to feed their babies nuts or honey or whipped cream. where did it get lost that broad exposure to small amounts of many foods may prove safer, rather than a very limited menu? (i suspect the germ-o-phobes flooding every playground with purell are involved. hell, aren't kids supposed to eat dirt?)

where on the continuum did intolerances and dislikes get conflated in people's minds as allergies?

first there was the wave of the lactose-intolerant. manic-obsessive behavior to remove every drop of butter or cream in their meal. explain to me again why you're paying $100 for steamed plain fish? OH! so you can have creme brulee for dessert. i can only hope you get diarrhea after the hoops you had us all jump through.

once a woman insisted if her husband had ANY salt, he would DIE! oh, lady, soooo don't tempt me, ok?

it wasn't long before we learned to ask if it was really an allergy, or merely an aversion. "garlic will kill me." "oh, so you're deathly allergic to everything in the lily family?" "huh?" "well, all of our stocks and sauces contain either onions or leeks." another blank stare. "so, garlic disagrees with you?' "well, yeah, it gives me heartburn." "ok, thank you, i will tell the chef." really it's that simple folks. please leave the dire warnings to those who need them.

the new villian is gluten. every day this week someone asked at the podium if we had a gluten-free menu. "we can easily accommodate you, but we don't have a special menu. just have the discussion with your server." simple. all were women and all grossly fat. celiac is genetic, life-long and very real. it's not always the first thought because western doctors are loathe to look at what we put *in* our bodies as potential culprits. i am in no way trying to diminish the pain and frustration of celiacs before being diagnosed. what i do suspect, is that the grossly cheap bounty of processed foods in american grocery stores and restaurants has led other people down a very unbalanced path. 8-oz bagels are not *portions*, ok? so this unconscious carb-loading leads to system-stress because your insulin goes completely whack over-reacting to all the sugars. couple this with the invisible insidious demon of high-fructose corn-syrup and your body is a tilt-a-whirl. recently i ordered a 100% whole wheat bagel. in my mouth, it was soft and sweeter than a donut. wtf? yuk. i threw it out.

is it a wonder the body finally cries uncle? affluent men used to get gout from the diamond jim brady diet -- mountains of protein and oceans of brown booze. menus from those days are a wonder to the modern eye. dinners of 5000 calories were not unusual in wealthy households!

put down your snack-well cookies and your carb-free bread. (what the hell is that anyway?) stop with the soda. ( i work with a woman who drinks a 64-oz 7-11 fountain soda, everyday!) the starbuck's muffins, the finagled bagels, the all-u-can-eat breadsticks: stop. stop. red light. have an apple.

if you've poisoned your own body so badly, stay home and eat thoughtfully until it's back in balance. dinner shouldn't be a minefield and restaurants aren't for triage.