falling up

hilarious avalanche of metaphor aside, and no chicken little looking skyward and saying otherwise, the floors are falling. and weaving. and undullating. he mentioned it in our 1st meeting and showed some of the damage wrought in our 2nd. cracked plaster; massive crown moulding growing ever more independent from the ceiling; banquettes divorcing from the walls; the floor in the bar caving centerwise; drawers and doors refusing to stay shut. more often than not i realize my toes are higher than my heels while standing still. or i'm navigating soft gullies and hills on the formerly gorgeous teak floors. numerous cracked pipes have been leaking hot water for years and the foundation is a complete wreck. we'll close in a few weeks, lift the place up and build a new stronger base.

ironic, eh?

no longer can i sleep past 7:00. 8:00 seems a long-gone fantasy of indolence. if i were a dilbertessa and home in front of american idol, it would be one thing, but somewhere along the corporate cultural curve 55+ hours became the norm for people like me. why do so many of the other managers in the company have trouble meeting this standard? i MAKE myself go home, knowing how early the alarm is set. however, i now steadfastly refuse to work from home. i'd rather go in 2 hours before anybody else gets to the restaurant or office to work in solitude. and clock my damn time.

part of my restlessness comes from having to train my superiors and assistants. accustomed to doing all the ins-and-outs of admin myself, i sometimes have assumed these people would *know* information i need, or should have retained for me. well, we know where that ass-word has led me. 2 steps forward and 1 step back. ayuh. the owner has compassionately said i don't need to climb everest in a day, and he's pleased with my output. fine. but the myopic snail's pace of certain developments makes me nutty. i sent pages to be typed and sent to all the stores. it took 6 days, were not the in form i approved, had typos and went out anyway. why can't i do it myself, right the 1st time, in a few minutes? arrrgh.

i'm on a learning curve too. these incidents have shown me everything, no matter how seemingly small, needs to be articulated. write it down. keep the e-mails. hard copies of edits and approved drafts. be 10 days ahead of where i'd like to be. p-r-i-o-r-i-t-i-z-e.

the shut-down of this location will bring me some mercy, and allow me to focus on beverage more than i've been able. not enough rungs on the hat-rack lately. it will also give my spine a chance to straighten the hell back up, since it's like treading jello all day and night.

however, i can thank the crushing clock for pushing away the indulgence of introspection and my wont of pulling everything inwards. the sadness, the frustration, the uncertainty and the pretend-it-just-ain't-so of all that led to some very unpleasant manifestations. in the months between march and may i crashed badly. so much was out of my control, i let go of even the few things i could. productivity, a more positive outlook, physical activity (finally), schedules and again being part of the fabric of work and society are bringing me back around. there are certain ways i want to see myself. sooner, rather than later.