"your feelings don't matter." -- repudiation.
"don't be sad."-- invalidation.
"if you don't get through this, it will not go well for you." -- direct threat.
"we'll talk in a few days." -- withholding.
i feel like i'm log-rolling in white water rapids.
i admitted being confused. i asked for some more time to process. miles between us, i could smell the smoke coming from his head. yet if i can't (won't???) articulate it, how can we discuss it effectively?
damned if i do, damned if i don't here.
how do i feel about what i did? i feel violated, sad, dehumanized, sickened, anguished, troubled. i feel like i did something awful to someone else and something horrible to myself. which is primary? i don't know yet. if i refer to statement #1 above, wouldn't it be better/advantageous/expeditious if i just got over it? if my feelings are never to matter, than shouldn't inurement become my friend? how can i live life as an open wound?
and now i feel afraid.
more than once in the last weeks, i have confessed to feeling disenfranchised. i don't feel connected and my being owned feels tenuous at best. there are moments, yes, and i devour and savor them. as for the rest? he basically said, "tough shit."
the owner is on about kindness lately. funny that, huh?
No comments:
Post a Comment