fakin' it

i do not:

• have nail tips, acrylics, stencils, decals or shiny dots, french, or reverse french, manicures on my hands or feet
• wear a toe or thumb ring
• have a pierced lip or nose (so don't need that plastic spacer in the hole when i work that everybody can totally see anyway)
• have hair or eyelash extensions (omg! like they totally last like 2 weeks and only cost like, $50, which is like awesome cuz it's one less thing to do everyday!!)
• go tannin', so i'm not the color of an oompa-loompa
• buy moisturizer that has newborn baby- or horse-by-products as an ingredient
• get my brows or beaver waxed (especially by a russian)
  
• dye my hair la brea tar-pit black
• iron my hair flat with japanese enzymes for $275
• have my girlfriend come over, listen to rhianna and do my hair for fun
• have silicone, botox or collagen in me anywhere
• think lite cool-whip or lean-cuisine pizzas are good diet foods
• own anything by ed hahdee, pink or juicy
• have a white handbag
• mistake knock-off gucci, prada, rolex, coach or movado for the real stuff, which, um, i know a waitress cannot afford and also know your townie thug-friends get you the fakes for cheaps off the truck
• confuse cubic zirconium with diamonds
• have covers for my cellphone that match my fake donny-bourke bag or are studded- rhinestone-glittery
• wear colored contacts on dates
• wear sweat-pants shopping (or anywhere, really)
• own sweat-sets
• own spanxx (two x's cuz they're extra-strong?)
• own uggs or even moreso, fake-uggs
• put clothes on my pets (not even a special celtics sweater during the play-offs)
  
• watch the hills, gossip girl, man vs. food, dr. phil, dr. oz or oprah
• read twilight books or cosmo
• believe that book "the secret"
• see chick flix
• go to strip-clubs on dates, or with a posse of my bff's for lap-dances from the pole-girlz, cuz it's (not) a fuckin' riot
• go to foxwoods, mohegan or vegas for the weekend
• see mariah or beyoncé in concert
• think julia roberts is awesome
• call oddballs "gay", unless they are, cuz weird or strange is something else and the geh's should get to keep their own word
• do oxy, percs, vicodin, valiums or coke for a night out (or in or whatevs)
• have a bebeh with a guy who was unemployed when i got knocked up and remains such, nor do i have another bebeh with his friend
• have any ex-bf's in jail
• have a bookie, astrologer, psychic or shady accountant as part of my personal care squad
• have face-book fights or frenemies
• have fist-fights at the bar with girls from my high school
• think slapping your bf is ok, and is, in fact, the proper course of action, "when he deserves it"
• cheat on my boyfriend (then cry to my bff's that i "done something fuckin awful" and i hope he doesn't find out cuz he'll fuckin' kill me...)

guess i'm not a real girl?